Real Ecological Mass Suicide Lacks Flimsy M. Night Shyamalan Twist Ending
This can’t be good. Twenty-six dolphins who have been found dead on a British coastline appear to have “committed suicide”, according to a leading scientist. Instead of using power tools and lying down in front of lawn mowers ala The Happening, the dolphins have chosen the less cinematic but very unpleasant sounding death-by-eating-too-much-garbage-and-mud. “Very bizarre indeed” is how veterinary wildlife pathologist Vic Simpson described it, which I assume is British scientist-speak for “This is totally fucking freaky and horrifying.” The dolphins left no suicide note, nor had they been writing a lot of gloomy poetry about photographs in the rain and the sound of flowers crying. So the lingering question scientists can’t seem to answer is, why?
But the news isn’t all bad. It’s also worse: ScienceDaily reports that ocean temperatures have increased 50 percent more due to global warming than previous climate models suggested. Remember Al Gore and his power point presentation of doom and destruction? Well, that was the optimistic version.
Dolphins Found Dead Off Cornish Coast 'Committed Suicide' (Daily Mail)
On May 15, the Bush Administration announced that polar bears may now be listed as "threatened" under the Endangered Species Act. Unfortunately, Congress is insisting that the new laws aren't abused to affect other related issues such as, oh, protecting WHERE POLAR BEARS LIVE. 
Well... it's a start. On Monday, the White House met with a group of GOP conservatives to discuss supporting a limited cap on greenhouse gasses, among other climate change proposals. However, the idea was poorly received. 
A new species of fish has been discovered off the coast of Indonesia that would rather crawl then swim. Oh, you know what else is crawling? My skin. The fish is part of the Anglerfish family, famous for their leg-like appendages and lures that grow out of their forehead, which they like to wiggle. *shudder*
Here's the good news: a new painless Brazilian Wax is quickly gaining international interest. Here's the bad news (at least for the ladies) - it's actually a Brazilian Wax for your car, and this new method is easing the strain on the environment. An ingenious brand called DryWash, based out of Brazil, has developed a way to wash every part of a car without using water or harmful chemicals. DryWash removes dirt from cars using a small pad infused with organic Carnauba wax.
A “downer” in meat industry terms refers to a cow that is diseased or injured and can't stand up. Sound delicious? Some employees at Westland/Hallmark Meat Packing Co. in Chino, CA apparently think so. That's how the Humane Society of the United States caught video footage of sick and injured cows being pushed with forklifts, dragged with chains and poked in the face with cattle prods to help them along to the slaughter box. It violates federal regulations to slaughter “downer” cattle, seeing as they pose a higher risk of E. Coli, salmonella contamination and everyone's favorite cow disease, mad cow disease. Two workers face animal abuse charges, 200 workers have been laid off by the plant, and 143 million pounds of beef are being recalled.
Polar bears just can’t catch a break. Their favorite drink – cola – is terrible for the waistline and ups their risk of diabetes. The Arctic is melting, forcing them to bunk with the in-laws. And with the Writer’s Strike still in effect, they may never know what happened to the rest of the polar bears on Lost. 
Christmas doesn’t just wreak havoc on your bank account and stress levels… it’s also arguably the worst time of the year for the planet. Think about it: there are millions of tiny lights wasting away energy, miles of wrapping paper that will just get thrown away, and tons of exhaust spewed into the air from holiday shoppers sitting idle in traffic for hours. Not to mention all the chestnuts roasting on open fires. No wonder the Grinch hates Christmas – after all, he IS pretty green. That’s why we feel the Grinch is the most heroic Christmas figure, environmentally speaking: he sews his own clothes from scraps, has a pathetic little dog that’s obviously a rescue, and lives alone in a cave like Alexander Supertramp.
Scientists have recently discovered a greenhouse gas-eating bug that could play a huge part in the fight against global warming. The methane-eating microorganism was found outside of Rotorua, New Zealand, at a toxic hot spring commonly referred to as Hell’s Gate. You guys, this is like the best episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer ever.